Getting Even

"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish." — Anne Lamott

If my internal world had a patron saint, it would be Anne Lamott. I had her book about writing, Bird by Bird, alongside my computer as I worked on my first user manual when I was taking classes to be a technical writer in 1996 (Fun Fact: we insiders referred to the Internet back then as 'the web' and we dialed into it!). Her way of describing every day struggles to remain motivated each day as a writer are laugh out loud funny and I find, with the above being one of my favorite sentiments (you saw this was coming Cathy B, didn't you?) that she describes thoughts I didn't even know I had, with much more hilarity.

Another favorite example is her meeting with a therapist for the first time and assuming that when there was a pregnant pause following her description of what was on her mind that she was certain this was so the therapist could subtly reach around with his or her foot for the secret button in the floor that would sound an alarm somewhere to signify that this person was dangerous and needed serious restraint, stat.

Pointing closer to home, I'm faced with my last week at work. Having not lined up another position in house, I will be shown the door, literally. It's the gentlest, most civilized of partings and as stated numerous times in writing and out loud, will afford me the opportunity to forge ahead in reply to a drum I can't stop listening to off in the distance.

The hitch in the giddyup as my daughter enjoys putting it, is that I don't get to choose and I can't stop replaying conversations between myself and various managers and coworkers about the projects we ought to take on and the transfer I 'might want to consider' (You're the only one in your family working right now, right? was the sidebar conversation "man to man" if I was a man that is). That and understanding what COBRA and unemployment really means for our family (it means rushing everyone off to the dentist, oral surgeon and eye doctor before the month ends, STAT) leads me to A.L.'s quote above.

The gotcha of course is, we hardly ever really know in real time that we are being given a solid--a lucky break. It's our hindsight glasses which often as not I use to lament as to reflect with gratitude on a passage, that assist us in figuring those things out, if we ever do. What would the last 10 years have been like if I hadn't taken "Intro to Technical Writing" when I was home with my 11-month old ("hitch in the giddyup" gal about to turn 17) 'just to see' if I could do it or would even like it? And what about all the transfers that resulted in the avoidance of getting laid off until now? No need to go into what flex schedules and work at home privileges mean for moms.

I just about have the version of my resume I'm sending to apply for a clinical internship in San Francisco and 2 glowing letters of recommendation (neither person I asked made me feel even for a second like they were searching for the secret button on the floor in reply). Oh, and if you don't have the inclination for a Zen teacher, you really should consider having others write letters of recommendation on your behalf, even if you don't need any-- it's delightful!

I don't have a rock solid plan for income generation at my fingertips, but I have many relevant thoughts in that direction and still plenty irons to fire there (at least in the inner world presided over by Ms. Lamott in sainthood). Even though sad, I manage to have no lack of enthusiasm for saying goodbye and a tremendous thank you to what feels like casts of thousands who have been fellow sufferers, interlopers on my behalf over and over, and the best of buddies. (You know the type-- the ones who know you full well but like you anyway. That's them. Us.)

That brings me to the less humorous but much more relevant quote I discovered when searching for the exact wording of the Jesus cat dish quote, also brought to us by Anne Lamott, "You can either practice being right or practice being kind." I have years of practice being 'right,' I'm all over the alternative.

"The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you." John Southard